What to Do If Your Teen is Self-Harming: A Compassionate Guide for Parents

The Moment You Find Out

Maybe you caught a glimpse of fresh scars. Maybe a teacher, a friend, or a sibling mentioned something in passing. Maybe your gut just told you something was off. However you found out, it landed like a punch to the chest.

You might feel fear creeping up your throat. Maybe anger. Maybe heartbreak. Maybe all of it, tangled together in a way that makes you want to fix it—fast. But take a breath. Right now, your teen doesn’t need you to have all the answers. They just need you to be steady.

Why Self-Harm Happens

Self-harm isn’t about attention-seeking. It’s about coping. It’s about feeling something when they’re numb or quieting the noise in their head when it won’t stop. It can be a release, a punishment, a desperate attempt to regulate emotions that feel unbearable.

It doesn’t mean they want to die, but it does mean they’re in pain. And pain needs compassion, not punishment. Also, self-harm isn’t just cutting. It can look like burning, hitting, scratching, interfering with wound healing, or even engaging in risky behaviors like substance abuse. The method may change, but the root remains the same—something inside feels unmanageable, and this is how they’re coping.

What to Do (and What Not to Do)

✔️ Stay calm. Your first reaction shapes whether they’ll open up or shut down. Take a deep breath before responding.

✔️ Lead with curiosity, not control. Instead of “Why are you doing this?” try “I noticed some marks on your arms. Do you want to talk about what’s been going on?”

✔️ Validate their pain. Even if you don’t understand why they’re hurting, acknowledge that they are. “I can see you’re going through something really hard. You don’t have to go through it alone.”

✖️ Don’t react with panic, guilt, or shame. Saying things like “How could you do this to yourself?” or “Am I failing as a parent?” shifts the focus away from them and onto you. Their pain isn’t about you—it’s about them.

✖️ Don’t make ultimatums. “If I see this again, you’re grounded” doesn’t stop self-harm. It just makes them hide it better.

If They Aren’t Ready to Talk

Sometimes, when you ask about their self-harm, they’ll shut down. That doesn’t mean they don’t need help—it just means they aren’t ready to let you in yet. That’s okay.

Let them know the door is open: “You don’t have to talk about this right now, but when you’re ready, I’m here.” Trust takes time. Keep showing up, keep creating moments of connection, and they’ll start to believe that you truly mean it.

Building Trust and Finding Support

Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process, one that might require outside support—therapy, school counselors, or trusted mentors. Let them know they don’t have to navigate this alone. And neither do you. This is heavy. You need support too, whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or just someone who gets it.

Healing Takes Time (and Might Look Messy)

Stopping self-harm isn’t a straight line. There may be relapses, moments of resistance, or days where progress feels invisible. That’s normal. Healing isn’t just about stopping self-harm—it’s about learning to regulate emotions in a different way. That takes time.

Celebrate small wins. Choosing to talk instead of self-harm. Trying a new coping skill. Even just making it through a hard day. Those are victories, even if they seem small.

Your Energy Matters

Your teen picks up on your emotions. If you’re constantly on edge, checking their arms, or treating them like they’re fragile, they’ll feel it. If they sense that their pain is overwhelming you, they might start hiding it to protect you.

Try to be their safe harbor, not their watchdog. They don’t need perfection from you—just presence.

Healing is Possible

Your teen isn’t broken. They’re hurting, and pain needs a place to be held, not silenced. Your job isn’t to fix them—it’s to walk beside them as they figure out how to heal.

They may not believe it yet, but there’s a version of themselves that exists beyond the pain. Keep holding that vision for them until they can hold it for themselves.

You’ve got this. And so do they.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

I can only imagine how overwhelming this must feel as a parent. What I do know, from my own journey, is the weight of that pain and the path to healing. I’ve made it to the other side, and I believe your teen can too.

If you need guidance, support, or just someone who understands, I’m here. Whether it’s helping you navigate conversations with your teen or providing tools to support their healing, I’d love to walk alongside you in this journey

Reach out—let’s figure this out together